A Young Relative Died. The Microwave Broke. Guess which one Dementia thinks about.
Theme: The Beauty
Facts and feelings - what does the science say? Feelings can outlast memories. Research suggests that people with Alzheimer's may continue to feel an emotion even when they no longer remember what caused it.
Reassurance matters. A calm, compassionate response can help someone feel supported when upsetting news is difficult to process.
Here’s the fascinating question: Could feeling safe and understood help someone with dementia let go of distress and return to contentment? Milly certainly makes me wonder!
I Find Dementia Fascinating
Regular readers know I am more fascinated by dementia than frightened by it. Perhaps that's unusual, but I constantly find myself observing things that make me stop and think.
Last week, Milly was told two things. A carer looking after her, while my husband and I had some respite on a beach, told her our microwave had broken.
When I returned, I told her that a relative, aged just 50, had died suddenly in the night, leaving a devastated wife and two children.
Guess which one Milly kept asking about?
The Microwave, of course!
“Have you got a new one?”
“Has it been fixed?”
“Are you managing without a microwave?”
Over and over, she asked me about the microwave. Did she ask about our relative's death? No. Not once.
But there was more to it than that. Oh, and I should add, Milly was not distressed by the carer’s reaction. The carer was aware the microwave might stop working and that there was a replacement ready.
Milly was shocked. Then she let it go.
When I mentioned the death again, Milly initially reacted with shock. I acknowledged how tragic it was, and we talked about sending cards and supporting the family as best we could.
Then she let it go.
Each time, there was an initial reaction, some calm conversation and reassurance, and then no apparent lingering distress.
Of course, I cannot know exactly what she understood, remembered or felt. But I found myself wondering whether the reassurance helped her move on, or whether the news simply didn't remain in her awareness as it might have done in mine.
Perhaps it was a combination of both.
“I had a dream. Did something happen?”
Sometimes, when I walk into the room, Milly says, “I had a dream. Did something happen?”
Is there a vague feeling that something has happened, without a clear memory of what it was? Is she trying to make sense of a feeling she cannot explain?
I honestly don't know. But it reminds me that memory, emotion and awareness are complicated, and we cannot always tell what someone understands from what they say.
Does feeling safe make a difference?
I bang on about specialist dementia care because I believe it can make the dementia journey very different from the frightening picture sometimes portrayed in adverts and charity campaigns.
I'm not suggesting that people with dementia don't experience fear, grief or distress. But could a familiar environment, people who understand them, and calm, reassuring responses help them feel safer and return to contentment more easily?
We know that dementia affects memory and that supportive care can help with emotional wellbeing. Milly's experience doesn't prove that feeling safe explains her response, or that she wasn't affected by the death. But it does make me wonder whether we sometimes underestimate the importance of how we respond to distress.
Facts and Feelings
We often hear the phrase, “They forget the facts but not the feeling.” There is fascinating research behind this idea. In a 2014 study, Feelings Without Memory in Alzheimer Disease, researchers found that some people with Alzheimer's continued to experience sadness or happiness even when they could no longer remember the film clips that had triggered those emotions.
But here's what really fascinates me about Milly's experience: could the reverse sometimes happen, too? After her initial shock, some calm reassurance and a conversation about how we could support the family, she appeared able to let the distress go. Could feeling safe, understood and reassured help someone return to contentment, even when something upsetting has happened? This study doesn't answer that question, but it certainly makes me wonder. And isn't that fascinating?
Sadness
I want to end by acknowledging that the death of our young relative is an absolutely devastating tragedy. Our hearts go out to his wife, children and all those who loved him. We cannot begin to imagine the pain they are experiencing, and nothing in this blog is intended to diminish that loss. My reflections are simply about Milly's response to the news, and the many things about dementia that continue to fascinate me.