As memories have slipped, we have both softened. It’s bringing an unexpected release and forgiveness.

Theme: The Beauty

Quick Take:

Learning that all is not lost. Dementia brings change, but love, connection, joy, and personality remain and can guide how we care.
Understanding has given me patience. Seeing Milly’s fear, vulnerability, and ways of coping softens frustration and opens space for connection.
Beauty can be found in the everyday. Moments of fun, sweetness, and shared joy - like Milly’s playful energy - remind me I need to be more present.

Things that Last

Beauty noun (PLEASING)

the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as in shape, colour, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else such as personality.

Everyone talks about loss in dementia - the last time someone did something, the last time they remembered someone, the last time they could do a task that they’d always done.

Connection doesn’t Fade

But there are also things that last, and when I focus on these, the losses feel less overwhelming.

My mother Milly’s need for connection and love, her need for joy and fun, her need for warmth and safety, her vulnerability - these all endure.

A Safe Place

When her memory began to go, apathy slowly took hold, as it so often does in dementia. At first, I fought against it. I argued, moaned, and criticised: Why don’t you want to see your friends? I’ve already told you what’s happening so of course you’ll go! Why haven’t you been shopping? Why are you sleeping all the time? Why are you eating chocolate all day? And then I realised she was protecting and looking after herself, staying in her safe place - her home - where she felt less fear, less self-consciousness and less pressure to feel accepted or respected.

Becoming Gentler with Each Other

Once I recognised Milly’s fear, and how overwhelming it was for her to hold on to reality, I became softer; it’s hard not to when someone is so raw and innocent. And she softened too. The sharp edges of hurt, regret, and guilt, that I found so difficult when I was growing up, slowly faded and the mother I have always loved became easier to see - gentle, kind, warm, wise, and funny.

And my old frustrations and resentments diminished as she became more her true self. When someone is so easily overwhelmed, like a rabbit in the headlights if I am not gentle, it’s impossible to dwell on the past.

Now I can see my mother for who she really is, we are both finding safety and a freedom in forgetting - a strange, quiet kind of peace.

This is the beauty I am talking about, and this is the beauty I try to focus on.

In the Fast Lane

You might like to click on my Musical tab and listen to ‘I’m in the Fast Lane’. This song connects to the Beauty - that I was inspired to write by Milly herself who, when she feels safe and loved, pushes back and has fun. She actually used the words “I’m in the fast lane! So if I want cake, I’ll blood well have it”.

People with dementia often seem to crave sweeter things. It might be the brain’s reward system, comfort from familiar tastes, or a way to soothe anxiety and frustration. Not everyone experiences it, but it’s a common and understandable change.

When I reach this kind of understanding, I discover a patience I never knew I had. So when Milly refuses my home-cooked meals and asks for bread and jam and a bit of chocolate instead, it’s not quite so annoying!

By the way, I love to hear what people think of my songs and whether they hit the mark but I also share them because they may offer a lighter, different way to explore how we feel about caring for someone we love with dementia.

The Beauty & the Best