The heart fills

“Love kills intelligence!”

Jules Renard, the French writer, once joked that “love kills intelligence”, comparing the brain and heart to an hourglass: one fills as the other empties.

I think about this joke very differently, and I need to remember it.

The day I don't want to come

I'm preparing myself for the day when Milly might look at me and not know who I am.

I know it will hurt.

I've thought about it more than once, especially on the days when she already looks at me with confusion and says, “I feel strange” or “I don't understand what's happening. I don't know where I am.”

There may come a day when my name and my face has disappeared from her memory.

So I need to remember that knowing my name isn't the only way she can know me.

Our need to connect

I've always believed that our need for connection doesn't simply disappear when dementia progresses. It's something I saw as a nurse and something I see in Milly. It's also something dementia-care experts understand: even when memory and communication become difficult, the need to feel connected remains.

I remember reading about some of the work of social neuroscientist Dr John Cacioppo on human connection. His research helps explain why this matters. The need to connect isn't simply a preference or something we've learned socially. It is a biological need, with loneliness acting almost like hunger or thirst - a signal from the body that something important is missing and needs to be restored.

That gives me comfort.

When I think about the future, I want to hold firmly to the belief that even if Milly forgets who I am, she will still need to connect.

And I can help her do that.

She may not know my name or that I am her daughter but she might still know that being with me feels safe.

What I hope I'll remember

That's what I want to remember when the day comes.

If Milly doesn't know who I am, I don't need to make her remember.

I simply need to help her feel safe.

I can tell her she's at home. She's with me. She's with her daughter. She doesn't need to worry.

Maybe she won't know my name.

Maybe she won't know that I'm her daughter.

But she can still know how I make her feel.

The other side of the hourglass

And that's the other side of Renard's hourglass.

As the brain empties, love doesn't necessarily empty with it.

The heart can still be full.

I need to remember all of this.

Especially on the day I really, really don't want to.

As the Brain empties …