Rabbit Out of a Hat?
Not that Memorable!
Theme: The Beauty
Quick Take
Milly might forget what happened, but somehow she still remembers what matters.
The things she loves definitely stick around in her mind, even when everything else disappears.
Her memory is going down, but every now and then it takes a surprising trip back up!
The Lift Analogy
Regular readers know how fascinated I am by Milly’s memory, because it is always surprising me.
I get the basics. That feelings can stay when the facts have gone. That Milly can have a brilliant afternoon and genuinely enjoy every minute but the next day have absolutely no idea what happened. And then, out of the blue … she recalls something quite unexpected.
I love the lift analogy that I was told a good few years ago. That I can think of her memory like a lift that is generally going down, where some floors are still accessible and some aren’t.
And every now and then, quite unexpectedly …
Ping! The Lift Goes Up
The lift goes up a floor. Like last week.
My youngest daughter got engaged earlier this year. Milly sees her granddaughters on a regular basis and she remembers this exciting fact. But last week, out of the blue, she repeated the proposed wedding date.
It is memorable: 27.02.27. Nevertheless, it surprised me.
I looked it up and was reminded how deep feelings of joy, love or comfort, things that she values, stick around in her brain. But they’ve got to be deeply held or of real value.
A real rabbit out of a hat is obviously not such great value!
A Magical Day and What Actually Sticks
The wonderful lunch and social club that Milly attends on a regular basis put on a fantastic day for its members. Scampi and chips, a real ice-cream van offering 99’s and a magician.
Every day I ask Milly if she had fun. She always says the same thing. “Lovely, thank you,” and that’s it. On this magical day, the same response.
When, a few days later, I see the photographs of the ice-cream van and the magician with a real rabbit and I show her.
“Oh yes! Oh dear little rabbit.”
And that was it.
She loves an ice cream, but that didn’t make it through to the deeply held joy and comfort.
But her granddaughter’s wedding? Of course! It’s her granddaughter. Someone she loves enormously. It’s a wedding. It’s exciting. And the date itself is distinctive.
That one reached a different floor.
On the Flip Side: When the Alarm Bells Ring
And I was reminded too of the hardwired ‘fight-or-flight’ circuitry and how bad or scary feelings can still trigger a survival reflex.
Her brain most definitely shouts, “Remember this, it’s dangerous!” and an upsetting thought or activity sticks like glue.
Even if she cannot recall exactly why she is anxious or upset, she will keep asking me, “Did you say I had a doctor’s appointment?”, “Did you tell me someone’s dog had died?”
The facts might disappear, but the alarm seems to remain.
Not Remembering Can Itself Feel like the Danger
If Milly doesn’t know what is happening, she can’t feel prepared for it. So something fun can be just as unsettling as something worrying.
I never tell her anything in advance.
If it’s fun, she will be concerned about being ready. If it’s a little worrying, she will feel anxious and need constant reassurance. She will fret about being prepared and start tidying things, looking for her bag or checking she has money in her purse.
She won’t remember exactly why she is doing all this. She will just know something is happening.
In Milly’s world, something is happening and I don’t know what it is is enough to set off the alarm.
Flower Arranging? Tennis with Balloons?
It makes me think about some of the things Milly doesn’t particularly enjoy at lunch club either.
Flower arranging? “Not today!”
Tennis with balloons? “I don’t feel like it!”
Dementia hasn’t taken away her taste!
And she never has a bad word to say about the people. In fact, her verdict on lunch club is almost always, “Everyone is lovely.”
She doesn’t remember what they did, and rarely what anyone said.
But she remembers how it feels to be there.
The Lift Isn’t Just Going Down
So the lift buttons that still work are the ones attached to people, familiarity and things that matter.
A rabbit out of a hat might be magical at the time and that’s about it.
But a granddaughter’s wedding?
That’s Milly’s floor!