Ruining Our Marriage
Could caring for Milly lead us to divorce?
“Holiday Warning Signs You Could be Heading for Divorce”
The Daily Mail continues to provide inspiration for my blog. It got me thinking because if the experts are right, we should be in serious trouble.
I'm sure there are many who are amazed we're still married.
Red Flag No. 1: We Have an Unexpected Dependent
Having a dependent parent at the centre of your marriage probably doesn't sound like a recipe for marital bliss. Milly needs us. Every day.
There are appointments, medications, meals, walks, worries, decisions and an endless list of things that need remembering.
Except it doesn't quite work that way for us because Milly has given us something we didn't have before: a shared purpose and responsibility.
And actually, as we get used to giving up our careers, that's pretty cool. For most of our adult lives, work has given us structure. Somewhere to be. Things to do. Problems to solve. People who needed us.
Now we're both retired, we're gradually losing that.
Milly has filled some of the gap. She gives us somewhere to be, things to do, problems to solve and, most importantly, someone who needs us.
So perhaps having an unexpected dependent isn't quite the red flag I thought it was.
Red Flag No. 2: Retirement and not yet receiving State Pension
Thirty plus years of marriage has taught me that financial pressures definitely put a strain on marriage but we’re doing okay . It might sound bad to say we’re financially better off because of caring - but it’s true.
We might be retired but we’re not yet receiving our state pensions and Milly brings in a little income through Attendance Allowance. Plus I receive Carer's Allowance.
This money makes a real difference. If we had to replace the amount we currently receive by working, we'd need to earn considerably more before tax to end up with the same amount after tax.
And that would mean working long hours, weekends and, horror of horrors, negotiating weekends off and fighting over annual leave with parents of young children. All the things we thought we'd left behind when we retired.
Instead, we have a little financial breathing space. Also, we don't have to book time off to take Milly to an appointment or work weekends.
But I'm not suggesting anyone puts dementia on their financial planning spreadsheet!
Red Flag No. 3: It isn’t 50/50
Yes, I do more of the caring. I do the appointments, the medications, the organising, the remembering, the worrying and most of the day-to-day caring and there are days when I think, Why am I doing all of this?
Which sounds like another fairly significant warning sign for a marriage.
Except my husband knows I do more. And he tells me. He praises me. He reminds me I'm doing a brilliant job and that he doesn't know how I manage everything.
And praise goes a very long way. I don’t need him to do exactly the same amount as me. And, of course, he does other things. He especially likes to do the budget and always makes sure Milly pays her way! So he's more than pulling his weight in other departments.
Perhaps that's the secret. It doesn't have to be 50/50. It just has to feel fair.
And being appreciated makes an enormous difference.
Red Flag No. 4: We Don't Get Much Time Alone
Another classic issue.
Our lives revolve around Milly, so we can't be spontaneous or just decide to disappear for the weekend.
Everything we do requires a little more thought. But there's an upside. We're both here. We're both retired. And we're both doing this together.
We don't have one person rushing off to work while the other is left to deal with everything.
We may not have the freedom we once had but we have time. At this stage of our lives, perhaps that's more valuable.
Red Flag No. 5: I Keep Putting on Weight
Now this one could genuinely be dangerous. Except he's overweight too. We've always overeaten, and nothing brings people together quite like a common enemy!
We've discussed eating less, exercising more and simply being sensible - then one of us gets a craving.
Despite our determination to lose weight, we also share a determination to have some fun and enjoy life because we don't know what's around the corner.
So we're united.
United against overeating.
United against the treat cupboard.
United in our belief that tomorrow is definitely the day we'll start being sensible.
It's a beautiful partnership.
So, Red or Yellow?
When I look at all the things that should, according to the experts, be putting pressure on our marriage, I can see the warning signs.
The caring.
The responsibility.
The financial uncertainty.
The unequal workload.
The lack of spontaneity.
The overeating.
They're all there. All the warning signs of a marriage heading for divorce.
But perhaps they're more like yellow flags.
Proceed with caution. Keep reading the Daily Mail. Remind ourselves how lucky we are. And just keep going.
Because caring for Milly has also given us something I don't think either of us expected. That shared purpose and responsibility means we spend proper, purposeful time together - time that isn't always about going out, going on holiday or buying things.
We're learning things.
I'm learning the piano. He’s learning to cook. We're doing Sudoku. We're growing vegetables.
We're finding new things to do, and new things to talk about.
We're on the same team.
Sometimes I do more.
Sometimes he spends more.
Sometimes one of us gets irritated with the other.
We're married.
That's allowed.
But I think we're probably all right.
Although the overeating remains a serious concern.
That one's definitely a red flag.
But we're working on it.
Well, we will be.
Tomorrow.