… letting nature take its course.

Theme: The Beauty

Quick Take

The Comic strikes again - Milly’s daily Daily Mail habit inspires another blog.
Nature or intervention? When do we help someone live well and when do we let nature take its course?
Beautifully imperfect: I see my mother in her frailty, her aged hands and that wonderful smile — and wouldn’t change a thing.

And so The Comic - my mother’s lifeline, and mine too now, it seems - continues to provide me with inspiration.

Milly has probably read this Daily Mail headline several times by now:

“Where do YOU stand in the divisive debate on how women should age?”

Well, this is an interesting one. Apparently, there are two camps.

One says let nature take its course. The other says take control - Botox, cosmetic surgery, weight-loss injections - whatever helps you look and feel the way you want to look and feel.

I asked Milly if she would have Botox.

By the time I’d explained what it was, she had lost interest. But I know she is firmly in the first camp.

Which is fine. Although I’m not quite ready for her to let nature take its course all the way to 118 - a little older than the current oldest person living in the UK.

That could take its toll on our marriage!

So Where Do I Stand on How Milly Should Age?

Joking aside, it has made me think about how we play things - and how caring for someone 24/7 who has dementia gives me a very different way of looking at life.

Because I’m not really letting nature take its course.

I intervene.

We intervene.

We encourage Milly to walk, even though dementia-related apathy makes her argue against it. We make sure she eats, even though dementia has already started to affect her need to eat. We treat infections. We manage medications. We keep her safe.

We do all the things we can to keep her well.

And eighteen months ago, when we were told she might never walk properly again, I was very glad we intervened.

But How Far Do We Go?

There is a difference between helping Milly live well and doing everything medically possible to keep her alive.

I know, for example, that if the time comes when Milly is very frail, frightened and no longer really understands what is happening around her, I may not want every possible intervention.

I might not want to prolong her life if doing so means prolonging her suffering.

If one day a chest infection comes along and nature says it is time to go, I’m not sure I would want to fight it at all costs if the alternative was keeping her alive while she was constantly anxious, frightened and unsure of where she was or what was happening.

That might sound terribly stark written down but I really do believe there is a difference between giving up on someone and letting them go.

Beautifully Imperfect

And then there is the other part of this debate.

Because when it comes to how Milly looks, I am completely on the side of nature.

I love the way she looks. I love her delicate, aged hands. They are thin and fragile now, with the veins showing and the skin so much finer than it once was. And I love the smile she gives me every time I walk into her room.

I see such beauty in her. I wouldn’t change any of it because when I look at her, I don’t see something that needs fixing.

I see my mother.

When Caring Gets Hard

And on the days when I am tired, overwhelmed or - if I’m being completely honest - irritated by the endless demands of caring, there is something about her vulnerability that stops me in my tracks.

Those hands remind me - this is my mother.

She has always done her best for me. Her love has been a constant in my life, something I have probably taken for granted more times than I should.

She is real. She is fragile. She is here.

And her love matters infinitely more to me than whether she looks strong or young or anything other than exactly what she is.

So, on the question of how women should age, I’m firmly in favour of letting the wrinkles win.

As for letting nature take its course…

I think I’d like to leave a little room for nature to do its job.

Divisive Debate on …