Why? Why? Lie! Deny!
Never-ending whys and lies - from both of us
Theme: The Broken and Burnout
Quick Look:
Groundhog Day, every day.
“I already did that” isn’t lying - it’s dementia at work.
Tiny stories, big impact.
Groundhog Day
Every day feels a bit like Groundhog Day.
So many whys: What’s happening today? Do I have to go? When do I have to leave? Why are they coming? Why does my hip hurt? Why do I have to take these tablets?
Not Lies, Just Lost Time
And so many ‘lies’ - though I’ve learned to accept them - most of the time they’re not lies, just a bit of denial or muddled truths.
I’ve just eaten! I’ve been out! I went walking! I drove the car last week! I only saw her recently!
It can feel like absolute hell. But in Milly’s world, she truly doesn’t remember. She’s done the things she says because, in dementia, time doesn’t just blur - it disappears.
I Got It Wrong
In the early days, I thought she was bending the truth or just outright lying. I argued, shouted, and confused her further. It took me a while to understand - see Denial: The Fight No-One Wins. She genuinely believed it was only yesterday she’d seen the doctor or last week she’d met her friend. Once I understood - and acknowledged how exhausting, irritating, and heart-breaking it can be - I tried to see it differently and remind myself how much she needed peace, comfort, and safety.
Finding Balance in the Chaos
Care became negotiation, and slowly I found a balance.
Milly would happily eat chocolate all day, never go out, and just be around me and my husband if she could. That would mean losing all independence and driving us completely mad.
My Whys and Lies
So I create a slightly different world, lie after lie after lie - therapeutic fibbing!
I always check in with myself: Why did I say that? Why am I doing this? Why do I want her to do that?
If the answer is because it helps me help her - to protect my energy, sanity, and boundaries - and if it isn’t unkind, I go ahead. Without guilt. Looking after myself allows me to care for her with love, not resentment.
Therapeutic Fibbing
I’m lucky. Milly’s from a generation that respects doctors and the NHS. Health worries make us all vulnerable, and the idea of a caring NHS works like magic.
The Magic of Small Stories
It’s my regular sweet white lie: our GP is a marvellous professional, checking in regularly. It’s not quite a lie - reminders for blood pressure checks or medication reviews really do come through on what can feel like a weekly basis when you’re a full-time carer.
I tell her he’s worried - even six years after she was widowed - that she’s doing so well without her husband after sixty years of marriage and that it’s important to socialise. He’s seen too many people fade, and he wouldn’t want that for her.
“How do you know?”
“He checked in today. Keeping you well keeps you out of hospital!”
She really wasn’t keen at first, but we encouraged her to attend a lunch and social club three to four times a week. It gives her the chance to meet others, enjoy a routine, and stay mentally active - and it gives us a small but valuable break. Because they’re so good at what they do, she soon settled. She calls it ‘Playgroup’ because she thinks it’s a bit like pre-school, and we just go along with it, reminding her of how good it is that she socialises.
Physical exercises I make up as I go along have become acceptable because “you’d better do your daily physiotherapy exercises; she doesn’t want you to become bedbound.” I also limit her sweets. More weight makes her less mobile, and upset tummies make caring harder, so I mumble about a pre-diabetic check she once had - that closes the subject!
Finding Motivation
My connection with Milly comes through endless cups of tea, game shows with no plot to follow, and sharing endless gossip about people she doesn’t know and will never meet. The more scandalous, the better!
We’re all unique. My father would have been motivated by wine, cheese, chess, or Sudoku. Caring isn’t about following a rulebook; it’s about knowing the person and finding a way in.
When Help Becomes Welcome
In the early days, me speaking to the doctor instead of her would not have gone down well. She panicked if she realised she’d forgotten appointments or new medications. I let her forget, even when I could have checked, so that one day I could ask, “Would you like me to help and speak to the doctor for you?” And the rest, as they say, is history.
White Lies, Big Love
It’s not easy, and it takes time to get it right. But these days, I’ve got the white lies just about perfect.
Science Note
Therapeutic fibbing - when used compassionately - can protect emotional well-being. So say multiple experts and organisations but these are, as always, useful sources of information. Alzheimer’s Society UK, NICE Guidelines on Dementia Care, 2023–2025 studies on psychosocial interventions.